REAL QUICK…SHOULD FACEBOOK BE GOOGLE+

Huh? I don’t fucking know. 

He talks to shadows. Which is either really cute or really…something to be concerned about. 

IS IT NORMAL TO WANT TO SMASH MY KID AGAINST HIS CHANGING TABLE

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

Yes. 

And anyone who tells you you’re crazy should be bashed against a changing table and/or table and/or something bashable, nearby.


That will do. 

Guess what? Tonight, my newborn, he’s 10 weeks, he kept arching his back and screaming and just acting like a complete asshole. Like, I kept telling him to calm the fuck down. That he was in his favorite onesie and how could he be so upset when he’s in his favorite onesie. (My face was extremely red as I found out the onesie he was wearing was in fact not his favorite, but one of his least favorite. But this was not why he was screaming and arching and being a dick.)


Daddy, I need my brains :(

Regardless, I wanted to bash them in. But I didn’t. That would be childish. Instead, I took his pacifier and chucked it into his pack n’ play. Because that was going to stop him from screaming. It didn’t. And then mommy took him and he started sucking on her tit and that was that. 

After avoiding eye contact with my wife like a child, and looking for sites that made adults with temper tantrums out to be heroes…and finding none, my phone started to go off. A lot. Which made me want to smash it against a wall. But I didn’t. I just ignored it. And it kept going off. And I kept ignoring it until I couldn’t any longer and noticed that the person texting me was sitting three feet away with a baby attached to her. 

Hello lover

Are you upset with me?

You are not checking your phone

And you are not looking at me

So

I’m 

Going

To

Keep

Sending

Texts

Til

You

Look

At

It

Or

Me

It 

Being

The

Phone

You

Are

A

Dick

Bc

You

Are

Letting

Me

Go

On

Like

This

Finally, she stopped. After I bashed her head into a wall. And then the kid started crying again. Will someone please tell me how to clean all this blood off the wall, because, man, she is going to be extremely pissed when she comes to and the walls look like the two twins from the Shining had their periods all over the place. 

Also, she’s the best goddamn wife on the planet and yours isn’t so that sucks for you. A lot. But really, don’t worry about wanting to bash your newborn’s brains out. It’s normal. As long as you don’t actually do it. Because, then you’d be worse than the Holocaust and 911 combined. COMBINED! 

I have to end this. I’m starting to get really angry at imagining what you fake did. Just realize that your kid didn’t ask to be here. That it’s your fault they are here. And if there’s anyone’s brains you should want to bash in, it’s yours. Your kid is soaking up every little twitch you make, so go ahead and scream your guts out on the inside. But on the outside, you need to not be such a fucking baby. That’s his job for now. And if you do your job right, one day he’ll be the adult, not bashing his kid’s brains in while you’re waiting for some nurse to come and change your shit-soaked sheets. Because life is a cyclical bitch. 

Night. 

WE’RE 6 WEEKS AND JUST GOT OUR FIRST ULTRASOUND PIC, BUT I DON’T SEE SHIT. WHAT GIVES?

What gives is your kid is about the size of a pimple on your ass. It’s there. And it’s got cheeks, a chin, eyes, ears, a nose, a jaw, developing lungs, liver and kidneys, and a heart that’s beating 80 times a minute. Yes, there is a creature inside your wife right now with all of this stuff, and every day, it looks more and more human. Right now it doesn’t. It looks like that Gremlin who pops out of the water fountain at the end of the first movie.

If you haven’t seen the end of Gremlins and are now really really upset because I just ruined the ending to one of the best movies ever made, then go fuck yourself and die. Seriously. I feel nothing right now for you. What kind of father are you going to be when your kid’s all like, “hey dad, I just saw this really old scary movie called Gremlins. Wasn’t it awesome at the end when that one gremlin pops out of the fountain and starts melting and dying all over the fucking place until he’s liquified in a goo of his own guts and feces?” And you’re all, “I don’t know, son. I never saw that movie because I was too busy making out with my Teddy Ruxpin under the covers.” 

Please don’t call your son son. It’s stupid and sounds like you just met him that day and feel awkward calling him by his actual name. 

But you have a long way to go until that day comes. A looooooong way. Man, this is like the longest ten months of your life. The first three will feel like an eternity alone. Like, you’ll wonder how you’re even going to make it all the way until the end. This is normal. To feel helpless and anxious and helplessly anxious. And like you’re gonna jump out of your own skin and choke everything and everyone you see just to be in control of something. Choking someone to death just to release some of that pent up, restless energy is not normal. At all. Here’s something to make it a little easier on you: you’re wife is going through the same thing too. Only, hers is mixed with the constant need to puke, piss, and pass mad gas. Oh man, you’re about to smell some shit. This will prove if you really love her. 


This woman’s belt is really fucked up.


So is this. That’s your kid right now. That was you at one point. You looked like that. Just think about how goddamn amazing this whole thing is and stop boo hooing over how you can’t see your kid in the ultrasound. He can’t see you either and you don’t hear him complaining. 


Come give your ole pal Teddy a hug. Or a choke. 

WEEK 5

Oh, snap! Your kid has a heart.

WHAT’S HAPPENING THIS WEEK?

What week are you on?

 

 

CAN I GO

You can do whatever the fuck you want. But you’re an asshole if you do. Why should you be able to enjoy shit when she can’t? Unless she really wants you out of the house, and if that’s the case, she probably doesn’t love you and knows the baby isn’t yours and just feels awful about it and is most likely trying to figure out a way to either tell you or just go along acting like it’s yours. Either way, she’s tired as shit and will be tired as shit for the next eighteen years. So you might as well get used to not doing anything ever again.


Jesus Christ, look how much fun that guy’s having. I bet he doesn’t have a wife or a pregnant wife or responsibilities or anything to worry about except pumping his fist as hard and rambunctiously as possible. This is probably one of the best concerts that’s ever happened on the face of the earth. 

I GOT TICKETS TO A CONCERT AND REALLY WANT TO GO BUT IT DOESN’T START UNTIL ELEVEN AND SHE’S ALWAYS TIRED NOW

Ok? What are you asking me?

 

MY WIFE WAS SMOKING BEFORE WE FOUND OUT SHE WAS PREGNANT. WILL THIS CAUSE THE BABY ANY HARM

Your kid will most likely be born with a penis on its forehead. Even if it’s a girl. Especially if it’s a girl. No, your kid is fine. As long as she quits. It shouldn’t be that hard for her. Most women don’t even have the urge to smoke once they become pregnant. They’re too busy feeling like absolute shit. If you do catch her smoking, feel free to hit her as hard as you want. Just go nuts. She obviously is. I mean, who the fuck does she think she is? Smoking while pregnant. I hate your wife. I bet she thinks it’s ok to huff paint or dye her hair or drink wine while pregnant. Actually, the last two are ok, as long as they are done in moderation. In fact, wine can help kick start labor. And dying her hair will make her less ugly. But seriously, cut out the smoking and drinking caffeine. Basically, anything she enjoyed before being pregnant can be considered off limits. Including dick. I mean, it’s kind of a whorish thought. Your pregnant wife sucking on your dick while your baby grows inside her. Unless she’s a whore/prostitute/porn star. In that case, your kid is basically dead inside already.


“I can’t quit you.”

Then don’t. Just be prepared for a baby who’s basically choking on your wife’s second hand selfishness. Yeah, every drag lowers the kid’s amount of oxygen, increases its heart rate, sets you all up for a miscarriage or stillbirth or a premature baby, and makes your baby’s lungs sad with respiratory problems. 

But, then again, smoking does make you look cool as shit. I mean, just look at trailer trash trudy up there. 

MY WIFE PEES A LOT. IS THAT NORMAL

Yes. No. Wait…yes. It’s normal. Sorry, I forgot she was pregnant. Was gonna say, maybe she has a urinary tract infection. But most likely, she’s pregnant. And experiencing a mad increase in blood flow to her kidneys and pelvic area. Just tell her to stop complaining. DO NOT tell her to drink less water. She needs a lot of that stuff. Tell her if she thinks it’s bad now, just wait until the kid gets bigger and finds it fun to sit on her bladder.


Oh, those girls are so silly. Look at how silly they are. And hot. Man, I bet they are so easy and will fuck just about anything. Anyway, the more your wife pees the more waste she’s getting rid of. Plus…plus, as the uterus gets bigger…it puts pressure on the bladder…which causes…so hot. God they’re just asking to be pounded. Two girls, one you. Well, not anymore. Telling your wife to lean forward while she pees to make sure she empties out her bladder in order to save another trip to the bathroom is your life now.